Hi there! It’s Live the Sweet Life Sunday! Hope you decide to join in the conversation! This week, I’m talking about love. Love makes the world go ’round. Love for others, love of life, self love… all are so important in creating a sweeter life. This post is all about restoring the relationship kind of love.
Mr. Jones and I just celebrated our 12th Anniversary. Hard to believe. Seems like just yesterday we were in court fighting over child support and the Land Cruiser.
Ahhh… memories.
When people ask how long we’ve been married, I say ” Twelve years… most of it happily.” I get mixed reactions from people that aren’t familiar with our story or my candid banter, but most of our friends and family smile and congratulate us for making it all work out.
Our marriage was destroyed. It was ashes. It was the past. And then, just before the final signatures were signed and papers were filed, there was some spark of a distant memory. That spark became a flicker. That flicker became a fire. Not a destructive fire that ravages the unprepared, but a warm glow that lit the way for us to restore our love.
I’d like to tell you that it has been a year and a half of utter bliss.
The stuff of cheesy romance novels.
But that would be complete bullshit.
The thing with being married for a while is that you have this common history. There are so many fun and happy memories that a couple shares. So many adventures and travels and inside jokes that you shared. And of course the moments that seal you together forever, like the birth of your children. There is no telling of your story without acknowledging the role your partner played in those memories. That’s the stuff you hang on to. That’s the stuff that we kept remembering when we first got back together. We would just hug each other and I would cry and we’d just be so thankful that those were things we got to keep alive.
The other thing with being married for a while is the tendency to fall back into bad habits. My husband and I have very different styles of communicating, but for the most part, we understand each other. Still, there are moments when a word or a phrase or a situation seems eerily similar to one years back. Back when we didn’t understand each other. When we had major misunderstandings that festered into months of anger. That’s when we fail and fall back into our pre-divorce stances, arguing at the old partner, forgetting that we promised to do things differently.
We promised to build on the one thing that was left… our friendship.
We promised to be kinder and to listen more patiently.
We promised to solve the big issues without blaming or shaming.
We promised to compromise.
That last one was a big one. It’s the one thing people tell you is the secret to successful marriages. You think you can do it, but then you get married, and all of a sudden, you’re like, “No, I’m right. YOU need to compromise!!”
To his credit, my husband has changed the way he goes about making decisions. It used to be “my way or the highway.” Not great for any relationship, but especially bad for marriages. REALLY bad for me who, as a single mom for nearly ten years, was used to making all decisions for my little family without consulting anyone else. I knew I needed to compromise, but not knowing how to do it in a healthy way, I fell into practices that were kind of manipulative. Okay, guilty! They were totally manipulative. I felt entitled to that behavior because of my husband’s irrational stubbornness. Little impasses become a hill to climb and then grow into insurmountable mountains. Sometimes, those little impasses that could have easily been resolved turned into this ridiculously enormous issue that would create so much strife that we wouldn’t speak for days.
We catch ourselves when we start to feel those impasses becoming more than they need to be. Some times, it takes us a little longer to catch it… but we do eventually catch it. I can see it in my husband’s face. I hear it in his voice. His inflection changes. Instead of anger and impatience, there’s love. I feel it in myself. I hear echoes of past arguments and I shake myself out of that mode, adjusting my attitude and going at the situation from a place of love rather than frustration.
There’s no recipe for restoring love, but I do recommend the following:
- Remember the friendship at the core of the relationship.
- Don’t roll your eyes and walk away in exasperation. Listen and try to understand.
- Fight it out if you have to. No need to let anger fester. Just watch your words.
- Admit your personal faults, no matter how much you feel you’ve been wronged.
- Let go of the old fighting ways and learn new ways to communicate.
- Be grown up enough to say sorry.
- Be willing to do the hard work.
Restoring love is not easy… but it’s worth it.
~~~
So tell me… what has worked for you? Where have you had a tough time in your relationships? What was the trick for making it work out, if even just for a brief moment?
.
Wow. This is so inspiring. Before I had kids and “retired” from my law practice, I was a divorce lawyer. People love to ask me what the cause of most marriage failure is. “Is it adultery?” they ask, hopefully. My response always is, “selfishness.” Sometimes that manifests as adultery (“I need MY desires satisfied at the expense of my spouse and my marriage vows”) and often money, and sometimes work/career, and sometimes recreation (“I DESERVE my time”). Much is failure to communicate, but that is also selfish, because it is mostly the refusal to acknowledge any other valid styles of communication other than one’s own. KUDOS to you guys for doing the hard work of learning about each other, and leaning on each other, and WANTING to work it out.
@Selkie1970 Thanks! It’s interesting to hear your feedback from the point of view of a divorce attorney. I can imagine you’ve heard it all in your practice. I totally understand what you mean. There’s a big difference between self care and selfishness.
I am so happy for you Sugar. One thing in particular that has worked to keep my marriage going for over 20 years is I don’t expect and then I am pleasantly surprised. Also, never expect them to read your minds. If there is something you want, tell them so you are not disappointed that they didn’t figure it out on their own.
@Peachhead Great advice, Linda! We joke around about that now. “How did you fail to read my mind?” Mr. Jones just shakes his head.
PS: Thanks for listening to me that day by the pool. What a difference, huh?
@Peachhead
Great advice, Linda! We joke around about that now. “How did you fail to read my mind?” Mr. Jones just shakes his head.
PS: Thanks for listening to me that day by the pool. What a difference, huh?
@SugarJones13 Yes, I was thinking about that….your marriage has come a long way since that day….so glad everything worked out and you found love again:) Now we need another day at the pool:)
@Peachhead I think we need another couple of days at Montelucia!
What a wonderful post! I’m on my second marriage (in some ways you are too!) and I learned a lot through my divorce and subsequent years of growth. My poor first hubs got the short end of the stick. I like to say he was the victim of a drive-by wedding. But I digress. One thing we try to always do is say “thank you” for all the little things like taking out garbage, unloading/loading dishwasher, scooping the cat box, etc. It goes a LONG way in letting the other know they are appreciated and when we feel appreciated, we feel loved. I’m so inspired by your story Sugar! (and also in case you didn’t know already, my husband says HE wants to be reincarnated with a cool name like Sugar Jones) LOL.
Hugs to you and the mister!
@MonicaRicci That’s great advice, Monica. It’s so simple to thank each other, but so easily looked over.
PS: You can call your husband “Sugar” if you want.
Congrats! On the 12 years and surviving a near divorce. I was divorced and the second time around I swore certain things to myself (for my new hubby), but mainly I became so appreciative of everything he did. And I think in turn he reacts the same way to me too.
@JennyFord That’s so great to hear, Jenny. Congrats!!
This was a great piece. I know how hard it is to work to make a marriage work. How lucky you are to find someone willing to work as hard as you. Congrats on the 12 years
@deana_bo Thanks, Deana. You and your husband have been a fine example of how to honor each other and make life and love work. I hope we can meet you both some day.
Great piece! My husband and I will be celebrating 15 years in November. We’ve had many highs and just as many lows – screaming, mean words, even talked about a trial separation at one point. We’ve both learned how to compromise and communicate with each other, and we’re still learning. It is hard, but it’s worth it. Congrats on the 12 years!
@Sprmama Wow! Fifteen years? Congratulations!! Looking forward to many more years of trying… and succeeding.
Very nice post and Blessings to your reunion. For the past 30 years I’ve enjoyed a super relationship with my life partner. We’ve learned many lessons that have helped us grow forward and grow together. Many of which have been listed in the comments. So here are a few more from my book of keeping it together. First and foremost I take the responsibility of keeping the “fires” burning. I like life to be passionate, romantic and creative so I bring those qualities into our relationship. I do this on my own and all I ask of him is that he is responsive to my initiations and suggestions. It’s not to say there is nothing coming from him too, it’s just that it’s my flame to carry.
Secondly, is acknowledgment. We both show appreciation for even the smallest thing the other does. We literally applaude even the simplist of accomplishments. We send emails and texts of congrats, adulations etc… We do this for each other because everyone need a cheerleader and we’re the team.
Thirdly, when we argue we do not blame, name call or hit below the belt. We reserve foul language for other people we don’t like. When the “heat” of a disagreement starts to rise we tone it down, and may even table the discussion for a later time. This is not easy to do but pays off in better communition happening after a little cooling.
Forth, there’s a no holds bar on humor. Just laugh about everything, If not now then do it later.
Fifth, we are buds. We both endeavor to make life easier on one another. There is enough challenge happening in just daily life without it being in our home. Our motto is “We are not enemies – We are on the same team with our backs against each other”.
Sixth, we both practice deep listening. Sometimes even giving full days to just listening, learning and understanding the other. This is someting you can give a person that makes them feel really good and cherished. We rarely give physical gifts but this is the best gift of all.
Seventh, we are committed to Happiness. Our relationship and time together is not one of struggle. We are committed to being happy with one another. Each of us is “good enough”, maybe not perfect, maybe could be better but we are happy with what we have. Neither one of us has to be any better than we are right now. We accept each other today and every day.
Eighth, keep the sex going. Doesn’t have to be all the time, doen’t have to be mind blowing but frequent, personal, loving and a little naughty between the two of you keeps you in touch and connected.
“If the sex is bad it’s 90% of the relationship…. if it’s good then it’s 10%” Dr Phil
Very nice post and Blessings to your reunion. For the past 30 years I’ve enjoyed a super relationship with my life partner. We’ve learned many lessons that have helped us grow forward and grow together. Many of which have been listed in the comments. So here are a couple more from my book of keeping it together. First and formost I take the responsibility of keeping the “fires” burning. I like life to be passionate, romantic and creative so I bring those qualities into our relationship. I do this on my own and all I ask of him is that he is responsive to my initiations and suggestions. It’s not to say there is nothing coming from him too, it’s just that it’s my flame to carry.
Secondly, is acknowledgment. We both show appreciation for even the smallest thing the other does. We literally applaude even the simplist of accomplishments. We send emails and texts of congrats, adulations etc… We do this for each other because everyone need a cheerleader and we’re the team.
Thirdly, when we argue we do not blame, name call or hit below the belt. We reserve foul language for other people we don’t like. When the “heat” of a disagreement starts to rise we tone it down, and may even table the discussion for a later time. This is not easy to do but pays off in better communition happening after a little cooling.
Forth, there’s a no holds bar on humor. Just laugh about everything, If not now then do it later.
Fifth, we are buds. We both endeavor to make life easier on one another. There is enough challenge happening in just daily life without it being in our home. Our motto is “We are not enemies – We are on the same team with our backs against each other”.
Sixth, we both practice deep listening. Sometimes even giving full days to just listening, learning and understanding the other. This is someting you can give a person that makes them feel really good and cherished. We rarely give physical gifts but this is the best gift of all.
Seventh,
Very nice post and Blessings to your reunion. For the past 30 years I’ve enjoyed a super relationship with my life partner. We’ve learned many lessons that have helped us grow forward and grow together. Many of which have been listed in the comments. So here are a couple more from my book of keeping it together. First and formost I take the responsibility of keeping the “fires” burning. I like life to be passionate, romantic and creative so I bring those qualities into our relationship. I do this on my own and all I ask of him is that he is responsive to my initiations and suggestions. It’s not to say there is nothing coming from him too, it’s just that it’s my flame to carry.
Secondly, is acknowledgment. We both show appreciation for even the smallest thing the other does. We literally applaude even the simplist of accomplishments. We send emails and texts of congrats, adulations etc… We do this for each other because everyone need a cheerleader and we’re the team.
Thirdly, when we argue we do not blame, name call or hit below the belt. We reserve foul language for other people we don’t like. When the “heat” of a disagreement starts to rise we tone it down, and may even table the discussion for a later time. This is not easy to do but pays off in better communition happening after a little cooling.
Forth, there’s a no holds bar on humor. Just laugh about everything, If not now then do it later.
Fifth, we are buds. We both endeavor to make life easier on one another. There is enough challenge happening in just daily life without it being in our home. Our motto is “We are not enemies – We are on the same team with our backs against each other”.
Sixth, we both practice deep listening. Sometimes even giving full days to just listening, learning and understanding the other. This is someting you can give a person that makes them feel really good and cherished. We rarely give physical gifts but this is the best gift of all.
Seventh,
Very nice post and Blessings to your reunion. For the past 30 years I’ve enjoyed a super relationship with my life partner. We’ve learned many lessons that have helped us grow forward and grow together. Many of which have been listed in the comments. So here are a few more from my book of keeping it together. First and foremost I take the responsibility of keeping the “fires” burning. I like life to be passionate, romantic and creative so I bring those qualities into our relationship. I do this on my own and all I ask of him is that he is responsive to my initiations and suggestions. It’s not to say there is nothing coming from him too, it’s just that it’s my flame to carry.
Secondly, is acknowledgment. We both show appreciation for even the smallest thing the other does. We literally applaude even the simplist of accomplishments. We send emails and texts of congrats, adulations etc… We do this for each other because everyone need a cheerleader and we’re the team.
Thirdly, when we argue we do not blame, name call or hit below the belt. We reserve foul language for other people we don’t like. When the “heat” of a disagreement starts to rise we tone it down, and may even table the discussion for a later time. This is not easy to do but pays off in better communition happening after a little cooling.
Forth, there’s a no holds bar on humor. Just laugh about everything, If not now then do it later.
Fifth, we are buds. We both endeavor to make life easier on one another. There is enough challenge happening in just daily life without it being in our home. Our motto is “We are not enemies – We are on the same team with our backs against each other”.
Sixth, we both practice deep listening. Sometimes even giving full days to just listening, learning and understanding the other. This is someting you can give a person that makes them feel really good and cherished. We rarely give physical gifts but this is the best gift of all.
Seventh, we are committed to Happiness. Our relationship and time together is not one of struggle. We are committed to being happy with one another. Each of us is “good enough”, maybe not perfect, maybe could be better but we are happy with what we have. Neither one of us has to be any better than we are right now. We accept each other today and every day.
Eighth, keep the sex going. Doesn’t have to be all the time, doen’t have to be mind blowing but frequent, personal, loving and a little naughty between the two of you keeps you in touch and connected.
“If the sex is bad it’s 90% of the relationship…. if it’s good then it’s 10%” Dr Phil
@quantajana Great advice, Jana. I like the “naughty sex” tip.
Thanks!
Blessings to both of you, my friend.
@lucrecer Thanks, lady.