I just left a comment over at Mocha Dad’s Father’s Day post, 15 Lessons from Fathers. He posed the question, “What lesson did you learn from your dad?”
My dad wasn’t present in my life, either. I had a step-father at home until I was a teenager, and then *poof*… my real dad was there again. It wasn’t until I was in my early twenties that he and I had any really good conversations. I was working at a restaurant and he said, “Always be friends with the chef.” He learned this when he went away to school. He always had something to eat even when he was broke. He also said to make friends with the bus driver on your route to work. You never know when your going to need him to hold the bus when you’re running late. Strange advice, I know… but I think the reason those bits of advice stick out are because that was a night that he and I had a great meal together, talking and laughing. Only a few years later, he died of a heart attack
I’m so glad we had that dinner.
My mom made it crazy difficult for my father and I to have any kind of relationship. When I got older and asked questions, the story was always that my dad was bad and that he never came to see me and all kinds of other niceties. In later years, I was able to piece more of the story together. Those missing details along with what I knew of my mother made the whole picture come together. Like so many men back then, my dad gave up fighting and moved on.
Those were different times. Families broke up and fathers were a distant character in a story. Still, I sometimes wonder if my dad would have fought harder to be a part of my life, how differently might things have turned out? I almost had a chance to find out when I was in middle school. My mom needed my dad’s signature for some legal documents. My dad and I both asked her if we could see the other. So one day, I was walking down the hall of a large municipal building, on my way to my dad’s office. After lots of hugs and tears, we had dinner, holding hands and smiling the entire time. I can still remember how he beamed. He was so completely happy to see me.
I thought I would get to see him more often, but then my mom made it crazy difficult again. There was always something else we had to do when he wanted to visit and she wasn’t very keen on me going to stay with him and his “new” family. Even special events weren’t off limits to her. Once, I was supposed to go watch Mikhail Barishnikov dance with the American Ballet Theater. My mom promised to drive me to the theater where my father and his family would be waiting for me. The big day came. I put on my prettiest dress and tights and waited for my mom to take me. About an hour before we were supposed to leave, she told me that the brakes on her car felt funny and she wasn’t going to risk the drive. There was no way to reach my father. He and his family waited for me outside as long as they could. I never came.
I was sitting at home crying into my pretty dress and tights.
If my mom might have understood how important the father/daughter relationship is to girls in forming healthy relationships as adults, she might have behaved differently. But then again, maybe not. My mother has been a lot of things. Rational has never been one of those things.
My mom, in her anger towards my father harmed my relationship with him so much that, in the end, I really only had a few years with him.
When my two oldest kids and I lived in Northern California, I spent quite a few of my bonuses on plane tickets to fly them down to their dad. When I was too late for the cheap fares, we took Fridays and Mondays off and I would drive them down to him. We didn’t get along. At all. But whatever my feelings were towards my ex, I knew my daughters needed their dad.
The cool little adults they’ve become is in large part because of the times they spent with their dad and because they know that he loved them and cherished them. Because of that, my daughters have a strong foundation for future relationships.
A friend of mine has spent the last several years fighting with his ex over time with his daughters. Recently, a judge ordered that his ex spend six weekends in jail as punishment for Parental Alienation. The amount of damage she has caused in the father/daughter relationship is so hard to believe. It’s sad to think how this might play itself out in the future relationships that their daughters might have. One hopes that some day, they will look back and know that they were fought for and cherished.
Because of my friend’s story, I’ve been thinking about the father-daughter relationship a lot lately. I’ve been wondering what course my life would have taken had my mother been less vindictive and more supportive of my time with my father. Would I have been a pregnant teen? Would I be on my second divorce right now? Would I have understood sooner than now that I deserve to be treated with love and respect?
I don’t know.
I hope that my friend has the time and space for rebuilding a relationship with his daughters. I hope that they all find healing and come together to strengthen their father daughter relationships. I hope for a time of restoration and peace for all of them. He fought long and hard… not for his ex wife to be punished… but so that he and his daughters would not be.
Hugs and good luck to you and your daughters, Ted.
I think it’s wonderful that you went above and beyond to make sure your daughters got to know their father. My own father and I have never truly been close until just a few years ago. We always butted heads, I fought him on every little thing, and he was stringent on showing affection of any kind. Now, though, I enjoy our phone conversations and e-mails, and get giddy and misty-eyed whenever he posts on my Facebook wall. My relationship with my husband was very rough for a long time, and yet it seemed as though as soon as things began to click again with my Father, things began to fall into place once more with my husband. I’ve learned so much about myself through the conversations with my father, and am anxiously awaiting the day we can move back to the East Coast so I can visit him more often.
I hope that Ted sees many more happy days with his daughters. It’s such an important bond, especially between fathers and daughters. Seeing this judge’s ruling gives me hope. As prior active-duty Navy and now a Navy wife, I see way too many men being legally twisted out of time with their children when marriages go sour. Maybe there is light at the end of the tunnel for those willing to fight for it.
WoW! Well said Sugar…So many examples of this sort of abuse come to mind.
Story of my life. My mother effectively ruined any semblance that I could have ever had with my father. Our relationship is so shattered that I won’t even call him tomorrow. My mother made him into a stranger because he left her, and it’s caused me many a major problem throughout the years.
I can relate in more ways than you could know. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you so very much for having me in your thoughts and including me in your incredibly touching post Sugar. I truly appreciate your kindness, friendship and support. Sorry to hear you lived through such a similar episode in your life. So unfortunate for my girls, especially this publicity. Not what I wanted at all
This has been going on for three years now… and the five years before that were no picnic. I accepted every lousy settlement offer the Judge put on the table the past two years in hopes of keeping my daughter’s mother out of jail and sparing the girls that knowledge and hardship. She refused each and every offer including one made by the Judge shortly after his ruling (May 25th) in an effort to end all this and keep her from serving the time.
My paramount concern has always been what is best for my children, and I was hoping that by the Court’s use of pseudonyms, our names would not be publicly disclosed for the protection of my daughters. Unfortunately that did not happen.
The quote I have come to live my life by is as follows… “Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass… it’s about learning to dance in the rain.”
I know you live you life that way
xo
What a powerful post, Sugar. And so honest. Thank you for sharing and being so open, both about you and about what Ted’s gone through.
I was very fortunate. My parents never divorced, and I had a good relationship w/my dad right up until the time he died in 1993. Hard to believe it’s been that long…
I’ve been divorced twice. First time, I did what you did – went out of my way to let my ex have time w/our son. Sadly, he basically abandoned us. My son is now 26 and has not seen – or heard from – his bio dad since he was 4. But I always made sure my ex knew where we were. It was his choice not to be involved. Yes, my son has had some struggles because of it, but we talked very openly recently, and I think it helped him.
Unfortunately I have a brother in AZ who is going through exactly what Ted’s been through. After his divorce last year, his ex up and moved to PA w/their 3 daughters. Oldest one has totally turned against him, thanks to her mom. Now he hasn’t seen any of them since last Aug. I am going to send this to him so he can see what he can – and needs to – do.
So thank you again for this awesome post.
Hugs,
Lori
Brave post.
And wonderfully written.
Thank you for this very honest, brave, and well-written post. You’ve hit on a big issue, and one that needed to be given a voice. No amount of anger, resentment, or jealousy towards your children’s father should rob them of knowing their dad.
My father died of cancer when I was 2, and the thought of kids who have living, breathing dad’s, being prevented from knowing them is hard to swallow.
I am reminded of a sad story from my husband’s childhood. His mom and dad divorced when he was two; for good reason– there were drugs involved and she was trying to protect her son. But she would not let his father visit, even under supervision. My husband remembers being a little guy (maybe 4 or 5) and his dad coming to see him. His mom wouldn’t let him in. There was a fight. His mom slammed the door in his dad’s face. His dad left. My husband asked what happened to his dad. He was excited to see him. His mom told him, “He left. He doesn’t love you.”
My husband spent almost the entirety of his childhood believing his father didn’t love him.
Thankfully, LUCKILY, they have developed a beautiful friendship in my husband’s adult life. Even though his father was not the greatest dad, my husband is so much more at peace in his life and our relationship, having come to know one thing: His dad may not be perfect, but he loves his son very very much. We all deserve to know that.
Yes… so sad for my girls. No child should have to choose and not be able to freely love both their parents.
This is not about Father’s rights, but about the children and their right to love and be loved.
Even though I haven’t always seen eye-to-eye w/my husband’s ex, I am grateful that she absolutely never tried to keep him from seeing his daughter.
I’m so sorry you didn’t get more time w/your dad, Sugar. And Ted, it’s good that you’re fighting for your daughters and their chance to have a relationship with you. I have a feeling they will thank you when they’re older.
Sugar: Thanks for writing about something so wonderfully, so beautifully. My dad and my mom are still together. Yet, growing up, my dad was rarely home. He spent months away at a time on business trips. He came home from work well past bedtime, and left for work before I got up. Once in high school, he would drop me off on his way to work. A three minute car ride.
It was an awkward three minutes. We did not know each other. AT ALL.
I thank you for you having the foresight in making sure that your daughters know their father. They are sure to be more secure in their relationships and in their own love for themselves.
Thanks for sharing. Its always hard to stay objective with loved ones – past or present.
Beautiful post Sugar! The story of the ballet just totally brought me to tears. I am saddened by the lack of relationship you were able to have and for what Ted is going through too. xo
It’s funny how similar our stories are. I didn’t have much of a relationship with my dad while I was growing up either. When I did visit him, I’d come home with questions for my mom. She’d invariably say my dad was a liar, bad, etc.
As a man, not having a relationship with my dad caused me a lot of damage as well in terms of not having a healthy self-image, feeling unworthy, insecure, etc. It sucks because no matter how far I grow as a man, those niggling feelings rear their heads occasionally.
As I got older, I got more pieces to the puzzle. My mom turned out not to be the perfect champion of me and my brother that we thought she was and my dad wasn’t the completely selfish and uncaring jerk either. They were just two people doing the best they could in their broken ways.
I’m 41 now and have a decent relationship with my dad. It was on and off for years and years, but it’s good now.
What I do have from all that crap is a deep appreciation for the role that a dad has in his children’s lives. I’m determined to be the best dad and husband I can be so that my son will not have to endure the pain that comes from anything else.