Meditation Starts with me

meditate (med’ i-tait) verb

1. To think deeply
2. To spend short, regular periods in deep thought
3. To think intently, and at length, especially for spiritual purposes

I’ve spent a lot of time in deep, contemplative thought this week. I’ve thought about family and what that means. I’ve thought about writing and where I’m going with my stories. I’ve thought about the relationships in my life, past and present, and how they have helped form who I am.

I also reflected on my part in any of the difficult situations in my life this year.

I owned up to my failures, but I didn’t take more of the blame than my own share. That’s a big deal for me. I used to take all the blame and try to fix things. Later, I’d feel resentful and blow up at the people in my life. But they weren’t at fault if I allowed myself to be in a situation that was not honoring me or my path. So for me to only take responsibility for my part meant a lot of soul searching meditation.

It’s been a long, cathartic week.

It’s been good, though.

It started off with dinner with my almost ex-husband. He and I and The Sugar Babies went to one of our favorite restaurants as a family. We still are a family… just one in which mom and dad are no longer married. It was… nice. A little weird at first, but nice to know that our kids will still have that family time they need, sitting together with their parents, enjoying a meal together.

Yes, I’m still going through with the divorce.

Then there was the picnic with my mom. We haven’t spoken to each other for the last couple of months. That’s not unusual for us. We blow up. We don’t speak. Then, after a while, we speak again. This time, I called first. That came after my oldest kid threw a mirror up in my face, metaphorically. My second oldest and I have a similar relationship to that of mine and my moms. We’re hot blooded in our family… what can I say?Anyway, my daughter “sweetly” (not) asked me why I thought her sister would behave any differently towards me if I wasn’t forgiving my own mom.

Damn. She was right.

Professionally, I spent some time ironing out issues with someone I work with. I felt that I wasn’t being honored and I stood up for myself. Again, another big deal for me. We had a long phone call where we talked through some miscommunications. We listened to each other and understood where each other was coming from, not just in business but in our personal lives. We are both single moms. We both have a lot on our plates. Talking helped heal any misunderstandings without anyone feeling like they lost something.

Tomorrow, I leave for Mexico. I’ll be at Rancho La Puerta for the week (and I’ll tell you all about that wonderful place tomorrow). I’ll be doing a lot more meditating, but I’ll also be working on the next adventures in my life. There are spa treatments, cooking classes, and hammocks waiting for our group.

There will also be time to  sit quietly… to think intently… and to dream.