When most teens think of abusive relationships, they usually don’t think it will happen to them.
They don’t think they can be involved with someone that can hurt them physically, mentally and/or emotionally.
But the fact is, 1 in 5 teens who have been in a serious relationship report being hit, slapped or pushed by a partner. Furthermore, 1 in 4 teens who have been in a serious relationship say their boyfriend or girlfriend has tried to prevent them from spending time with family or friends, but to only spend time with their partner. These actions are classic signs of an unhealthy and abusive relationship.
In the upcoming Lifetime movie, Reviving Ophelia, we watch a smart, “good girl” fall into an abusive relationship. Elizabeth seems to have it all together. Great family. Good grades. Pretty. Popular.
And a doting boyfriend who “loves” her.
Elizabeth’s cousin, Kelli seems more likely to be the girl that would get caught up in a problem relationship. She’s a rebellious girl who spends lots of time alone because her struggling, single mom is always working. She shows a lack of self esteem by acting out sexually with boys that obviously don’t care about her.
She’s a text book victim, right?
I think that many of us might believe that only “bad” girls that come from broken homes are susceptible to falling into an abusive relationship. So if we have a stable home and a moderately comfortable lifestyle, our children will make it through their teen years unscathed. If our daughters are smart and well-behaved, we shouldn’t have anything to worry about.
That’s proving to be a dangerous belief system.
1 in 3 teenagers report knowing a friend or peer who has been hit, punched, kicked, slapped, choked or physically hurt by their partner.
Nearly 80% of girls who have been physically abused in their intimate relationships continue to date their abuser.
Teens report dating abuse via technology is a serious problem:
- 71% of teens regard boyfriends/girlfriends spreading rumors about them on cellphones and social networking sites as a serious problem.
- 68% of teens say boyfriends/girlfriends sharing private or embarrassing pictures/videos on cell phones and computers is a serious problem.
- Cell phone calls and texting at unimaginable frequency mean constant control day and night
Based on those numbers, it’s fair to say that abuse is a problem across all socioeconomic levels.
How would you react if you started to see that your daughter was spending less time with her friends and more time alone with her boyfriend? Most parents might think it was natural. Cute, even. What if her boyfriend was texting and calling her every hour? Some people might just see that as young love. They might remember what it was like when they wanted to spend every moment with their first real boyfriend.
Sometimes, it may be just that.
But sometimes it’s more. Sometimes, it becomes dangerous.
How do we as parents know when it’s more? How will we know if our daughters are in danger?
It’s not likely that your teenage daughter will come to you and admit that she is being abused by her boyfriend. Her abuser has more than likely manipulated all situations in a way that leaves her feeling ashamed or at fault. As much as you want to think that you and your little girl have an open relationship where she can come to you about anything, the reality is that less than 25% of teens say they have discussed dating violence with their parents. Maybe you’re in that small margin. But what if you’re not?
What signs should you be looking for?
Has your daughter:
- Shown signs of being afraid to upset their partner?
- Spent excessive amounts of time in contact with their partner?
- Lost contact with other friends?
- Been constantly fighting with their partner?
- Changed their behavior and/or appearance?
- Had unexplained injuries?
- Not been enjoying activities that he/she used to enjoy?
- Become more aggravated and/or less independent?
- Seemed persistent to be home at certain times to receive/make phone calls?
- Seemed withdrawn from what is going on around him or her?
In Reviving Ophelia, even after Elizabeth lands in the hospital, we see her struggle to break free from the boy she loves. Her “bad girl” cousin, Kelli starts to figure things out and tries to help Elizabeth. Kelli turns out to be Elizabeth’s greatest ally, coming to her aid, even at the risk of losing her friendship. She supports her through adult situations that teenagers are not equipped to deal with. Thankfully, Elizabeth’s parents step in. But even then, breaking free is not as easy as breaking up.
Stereotypes are turned upside down in this movie, reminding us that everyone is at risk of violence, regardless of race, social class, religion. Anyone can become a victim of violence.
Even smart girls.
~~~
Jane Kaczmarek (Malcolm in the Middle, Raising the Bar) and Kim Dickens (Treme, The Blind Side) star in the upcoming Lifetime Original Movie Reviving Ophelia. The movie is inspired by the best-selling book by Dr. Mary Pipher and tells the story of two mothers facing the difficulties of raising their teen daughters — one struggling with dating abuse and the other acting out with rebellious behavior
Reviving Ophelia will premiere on Lifetime Monday, October 11, at 9PM ET/PT.
~~~
Thank You!
Special thanks to my friend, Cathy Nguyen, Health Coordinator of the HOPE & Wellness Center at Cal State University San Marcos, for providing information and resources on this very serious issue.
~~~
Resources
Love Is Respect – National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline
National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline
1-866-331-9474
Website: http://www.loveisrespect.org/
Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network (RAINN)
1-800-656-HOPE
Website: http://www.rainn.org/
~~~
All statistics from Liz Claiborne Inc. Teenage Research
Thank you for posting this. October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and education is one of the most important aspects of awareness.
Twitter: sugarjones
says:
Rachel:
Nobody wants to talk about DV, but then, it wasn’t all that long ago that nobody wanted to talk about Breast Cancer, and now look… pink ribbons everywhere!! Let’s hope the same happens with this very serious topic.
Thanks!
Sugar
Important stuff here. As a mom of boys, I will be doing everything in my power to make sure one of my little guys will never treat a lady this way. I wonder if there’s usefulness in educating parents of boys what to look for too. Some things may be obvious, but some not.
Ginger recently posted..Growing up scared
Twitter: sugarjones
says:
Ginger: I stuck to talking about girls in this post because it was already so long, but you are so right. That’s a whole other post on its own. I think I may need to work on that.
Thanks.
This post struck a chord with me. I too have been a text book smart girl but fell victim to an abusive relationship. I’m proud that it’s been years since that relationship but I hope others don’t make the same mistake I did.
Twitter: sugarjones
says:
Bianca:
Good for you, girl! Be strong and know that you are wonderfully created. From ashes, beauty will rise.
HUGS!!
Sugar
Thank you so much for writing this and bringing it to light. I love that you give tips for noticing it in those around us. Much love.
corina recently posted..In Defense and In Love
Thank you for writing such an important post. As a former high school health teacher I know all too well the statistics you posted. During our domestic violence unit I included unhealthy teen relationships. I gave all the statistics, showed an Oprah episode dealing with the subject and brought in speakers. Nothing seemed to reach the students as much as when I read them an excerpt from a girls diary describing the hell she was going through and how she didn’t even recognize herself any longer. At the end I asked how many of them thought they would fall prey to that kind of abuse. Of course most said “No way!” I asked them if they thought I would ever allow someone to treat me that way. The students laughed and said they knew I’d never let that happen. They looked as that girl as weak and needy with low self esteem. Imagine their surprise when I let them know that excerpt was from MY diary when I was in college. I had several students confide in me after that and hopefully I got them the help they needed. Many of my colleagues thought I crossed a line getting so personal with my students. It amazed me they felt this way. Was it difficult to talk about…yes…but if it helped even one student it was worth it.
Twitter: sugarjones
says:
What a powerful lesson for you to teach your students. Truly, it CAN happen to anyone. That message may have saved someone, I’m sure of it.
As always, thought provoking and informative! The part that is always most scary to me is the emotional and mental abuse that goes on often long before any of the physical abuse starts. So that once the physical abuse begin, the young girl is so conditioned that this boy is the only one who loves her and cares for her.
It’s such a difficult discussion to have with our children. We want them to stand up for themselves so we teach them early on that if one of their little friends hits them that they try and resolve it on their own. Parents of multiple kids often tell their kids to sort it out among themselves. And we do this as part of good parenting to teach our children how to work out conflict. But at the same time we’re telling them that we’re not there to help them. We don’t mean to do that, but some kids take that message and hold on to it for more than what we, as parents, are trying to teach.
I remember crying and whining to my mom when my brother would hit me. And after about the millionth time, I’d get the ‘Are you bleeding?’ ‘Do you need a doctor?’ sarcasm. Not because she didn’t care, but as a single mom she was so tired of our shenanigans and foolishness. So I learned not complain when my brother hit me. Because if I wasn’t hurt enough I was on my own. And I never, not even to this day, blame my mother for tuning us out. My brother and I would fight over anything. I have no doubt that my mother loved both of us deeply.
But what she never realized was that I was taking in that information, and my definition of ‘hurt’ was changing. I learned that complaining because I was hit wasn’t going to get me any help. Evidently the standard was bleeding or needing a doctor.
So what do you do when you’re in high school or college and you get hit? Once. Twice. Ten times. No blood, no foul? That’s really what so many young girls learn. That they have to be in really bad shape to finally be heard. By then, it may be too late.
Sara at Saving For Someday recently posted..Someday 4257 – Being on TV
Twitter: sugarjones
says:
You make a great point, Sara. We walk a fine line when we parent. It’s always good to “check in” to make sure our messages are being heard for what they were.
Our 14 year old daughter had the talk with us. Our daughter is very self aware and she has told us about friends of hers being mentally “pushed around” by their boyfriends. If anything she is very aggressive in asserting herself with boys and girls. Great blog post.
Lance recently posted..Racing
Twitter: sugarjones
says:
That’s awesome, Lance! Sounds like you are doing a great job as a dad. Maybe her example will rub off on the girls that are being pushed around. So sad that she knows ANYBODY that is, but as the numbers show, it’s everywhere.
I shared your article on my FB page..and RT’d.. SUCH an important topic!!
Sisterlisa recently posted..Is Life Ever Normal or Is This It
Twitter: sugarjones
says:
Thanks, Lisa! Yes, you’re right… it is such an important topic.
Abuse is something important to talk about with teen age girls (and boys because it can happen to both sexes), but Reviving Ophelia is yet another movie only focusing on physical abuse (for the most part). Why are there never any about the terrify world of abuse that isn’t so easy to notice in others such as sexual & emotional abuse without any physical? As a teenager it makes it confusing about what is and isn’t abuse since the only thing being portrayed as abuse is physical with obvious signs. Abuse is a tough thing to tackle, but all sides need to be portrayed not just the ‘it can happen to anyone’ side. That being said it is a good movie and does a good job.
Abusive relationships should never happen. But unfournately it does and it happens often. Even if most teens know they’re in one, they’re so blinded by love, they don’t realize that their relationships are hurting them. After seeing Reviving Ophelia, I really everyone teenager could really see the true affects of being in an abusive relationship.